bittersweet; i just cant get you outta my system.

Inhale. Exhale. This the part where I forget to breathe.

Two years, four semesters. That was the time i was mentally prepared for. I was even anticipating a much longer stay. 3/4 semesters in, I made a drastic decision to have this be my last. It hit me real hard today after coming back from my four day stay in Brooklyn to the dorm that it would be my last week here. No, I wasnt prepared for this.

For five minutes, I just sat in my bed and realized that three semesters have come and passed me by while I tentively plan for the next four.

In an exactly a week, I'll be leaving what has become my "home". The place where I didnt realize until now, but where I think I've grown the most and in such a short period of time too.

These past three semesters have been such a whirlwind where I've completely enveloped myself in everything that I've ever wanted to do. For once, I told myself to be selfish, catering to every need/want that I ever thought to have. And boy, did I get everything I've ever wanted.

And thats what I am so proud for, that I can always walk away without any regrets cos everything that I've ever done is something that made/makes me happy and was/is something I want(ed) to do.

I am getting sad because I guess it means another chapter is about to unfold but I am not quite ready to leave this one. I am going to miss the convenience, the five-block walk to the train station, the view from my window overlooking the east river and also the view that conveniently frames VA Medical Center reminding me that, that was what I was working towards. I am going to miss my dinners with the girl down the hall, Sheila. Our movie midnight adventures. Doing laundry 3 in the morning and checking our mailboxes even though we knew there would be nothing there. I am going to miss her. I am going to miss getting ready for a night out, trying on outfit after outfit running from door to door, floor to floor.I am going to miss late nights..coming home from nights out that would be the memories I'd always come to laugh about. The memories that have become the glue that bonds me and the people I share them with forever. Countless sleepovers and friends crashing. I am going to miss the obscenities that what was written all over my wall. Ha. The one Monday night we all decided to that 855 would be the party room. Or that one night, where it seemed okay to drunk dial exes right after Speedball. Or not going to class, cos my bed was just so much more inviting. Or spending time with my line sis, having shrink sessions for the cost of a pinkberry medium with 3 toppings.

Although, I leave with the utmost satisfaction with my stay here, I am also looking forward to the next tentively planned four semesters. Finding both fear and excitement for what is uncertain but having the most faith that yes, everything's gonna be alright ;]

Brookdale, you've been so good to me. Thank you.

Simple, starving to be safe.

For a while now it seemed like I should feel like I am on top of the world. I am proud for what I've accomplished but I don't know ..the feeling of accomplishment is somewhat short lived. I don't know what it is and as I'm here trying to put into words what it is exactly that I am feeling, the best thing I could come up with is that well for a while I think I've just been so uninspired.

Before I continue, I dont want this post to come off as me complaining about my life. In fact, I am so thankful for everything that God has blessed me with and continue to bless me with. But yes, to continue with my previous thought and not to sound like I'm tootin my own horn or anything but I am sure there's someone out there who would love to be in my shoes. In fact, I love being in my shoes. Yet, there's this part of me that's somewhat ..bored with it all.

I think one thing that's really making me feel this way is school. I think a part of me is so miserable because I have no interest in the things I am learning. The classes I am taking this semester are all requirements for a major that is still unclear to me. I've compromised to taking Behaviorial Neuroscience because it one part psychology and one part biology which I hope gets me into medicial school. But at this rate, i dont see medical school being in my future...not because I think itll be extremely difficult but because simply put, i dont want to.

I sit in class while my professor goes on and on about pH levels, anions and cations, Ksp constants..blah blah blah. Science always fascinated me and it continues to be one of my favorite subjects but lets face it...i doubt i'll ever find a cure for cancer.

My classes has sucked all the fun in learning. It makes me sad. But im stuck...because like many college students out there, I don't know what to do with my life. And since the beginning of my academic career i've been steered in the path of medicine that well...i really dont know anything else.

Aside from school, I think I've lost that spark of excitment in the things I love. The three things i love most are the three things I've stayed away from. Singing, dancing and playing piano. I stay away from them cos somehow they hurt me.

So here I am, keeping myself busy with things I feel are important to me while I search for thrills but theyre cheap and not at all lasting hoping, waiting to be inspired again.